For those of you old enough to remember, they used to say the same things about seat belts that they say about masks now. Yet how stupid do you think people who don’t wear a seatbelt are? I assure you, people who don’t wear masks are twice as stupid and multiple times as dangerous. 

A person who doesn’t wear a seatbelt is only putting themselves in danger. An idiot who walks into Lowe’s without a mask is a much bigger dipshit because they are putting every person they come in contact with at risk.

So yeah,  that happened yesterday, and I called the dude out on it. There was a preteen with her dad in front of him. After asking if I really called him a dipshit, the maskless moron actually said, “That’s not cool saying that in front of a kid.”

“Neither is killing her because of your god-given right to be a dipshit.”

Kid’s dad smiled. Dipshit did not. Instead he said, “You aren’t worth the breath.”

I know words and wit and am quick with responses in situations like this. I said, “Your germy breath or one that isn’t a risk to the rest of us?”

If by some twist of fate, the dipshit is reading this right now, I say to him, “You are still a dipshit.” Wear a mask, dipshit.

Here’s the thing…

Wearing a mask doesn’t hurt you. They’ve proven medically that wearing a mask doesn’t suffocate you, or even lower your oxygen saturation. The worst thing that happens is that crease in your neck fat or behind your ears. 

Think about it. A surgeon wears one for hours while rooting around in our guts. The dentist wears one for an hour while grinding away in your mouth. You can wear one for the trip to Costco or Lowe’s or your favorite adult toy store.

If you are not healthy enough to wear a layer of fabric or paper over your mouth, you aren’t healthy enough to walk around or shop or participate in ‘public’ activities. You shouldn’t be there if a mask makes the difference in your ability to breathe.

My wife and her coworkers wear a mask and shield eight to ten hours straight, five or six days a week. Many of them do not take an unfiltered breath for over eight hours while they are around your loved one. But people who don’t wear a mask in public are literally spitting on their efforts. When you walk around without a mask, that germ they are trying so hard to keep away from your grandma in the nursing home gets a first class ticket to see her. Thank goodness you coughed it into the air just as you walked by a little kid in the garden area or the nurse picking up a frozen dinner because she is so tired from working multiple doubles that she can barely push the start button on the microwave. 

We all have a responsibility here. If you won’t pick it up and run with it, then fuck you, dipshit. Keep buying my books until they have to intubate you. After that, they will put you in a medical coma so you don’t try to rip the tube out of your throat because every breath makes you choke and panic.

However, if you do wear a mask every moment you are around people from outside your household, then thank you. I love you for protecting yourselves, your family, my wife, her patients, and all the people who take care of us right now.

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